Last year I was having some womanly troubles...for two months straight. In the investigation of what was wrong and what was causing it, they found some irregularity. I was at work just finishing up with lunch when I got a call from the doctor's office letting me know that in the results they received. I couldn't conceive without help. In infertility speak, my AMH or Anti-Mullerian Hormone which is the indicator of a woman's ovarian reserve or how many eggs she has left, was lower than normal. We all know from health class that when a girl is born, she is born with all the eggs that she will ever have in her life. I am a 0.9. Yeah my ovaries are that of a 40 year old. Yes it's still possible to get pregnant, but definitely way more difficult.
High Over 4.0
Normal 1.5 - 4.0
Low Normal 1.0 - 1.5
Low 0.5 - 1.0
Very Low Less than 0.5
Now just the fact that I wanted kids at this point was a miracle. I didn't want kids. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. Most peoples' kids. Ok I like well behaved, adorable children. I had prayed and thought about it and finally reached a point that I could see myself being a mom and not ruining whatever little miracle we were blessed with.
This news was obviously devastating. I am not one for public displays of emotion. There is a time and place for everything-ya that was out the window. How was I going to tell my sweet, wonderful husband that the one thing he's been dreaming of his entire life wasn't possible? I was so mad at God. After all the work I had just gone through, it was all for nothing. I was broken. The one thing that I was biologically supposed to do I couldn't. I was raised knowing that I could anything if I worked hard enough for it. I have worked for everything in my life. But this was different. There was literally nothing I could do. It was completely out of our control.
I knew that Sunday school answers...just have faith, it'll happen when it's supposed to happen, or whatever else someone wanted to say. I knew all these things, but it didn't matter. Part of me died that day and I was allowed to mourn. And I get it, not everyone has this issue. I'm just one of the lucky 1 in 8 that do. And I know that my family and friends who did know were saying were trying to comfort me.
But what did this mean for me and our little family? Why was it happening to us? Why now? All of these questions going through my mind at once on top of the disappointment and let down of not being able to get pregnant on my own. And I know: everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, he loves you....yeah at that moment, I really didn't care nor did I feel it. Why had Go,d hand pick this trial for me?? I mean I already know that patience it my lot in life, and I have come to accept that, but this is too much. It affected more than just me and that wasn't fair.
Luckily a few weeks earlier I had met with my RS Activates Coordinator and we had become fast friends. She was already struggling with infertility and she was without a doubt my first call.
Krista has been such an asset to my life since the moment she entered it. The two of us together is probably one of the most understanding relationship. We wouldn't hang out if we were struggling. And if one invited the other over and we couldn't-we knew why. We would never employ "misery loves company." We were there to uplift and survive together. I can't express how necessary she has been in my life.
Eventually things got better. It was a real tug of war in my heart. I couldn't be mad at my family and friends for doing what they were supposed to be doing in starting their families. I was happy for them! But I still hadn't come to peace with what the Lord had given us.
Prayer after prayer, blessing after blessing, we waited...sometimes patiently...sometimes not so patiently. What can I say? I am a super impatient human!
Sure there are other options. IUI-costs about $875 (they wait until you are ovulating and inject the sperm and the precise moment), then there's IVF..nuff said. Of course there's always adoption...I was getting my hair done and the lady next to me mentioned adopting one of her children, so naturally I asked questions. She went through an adoption agency in Taiwan I think because the adoption fees matched that of the US-$30,000. She paid $60,000 total for her 12 year old & that was over 5 years ago! He's 18 now and they are still paying him off. I felt like no matter what alternative avenue we looked out, we knew it was a "No" for us at least for right now. There's always fostering too. And again we weren't set up for it.
I honestly don't know how we came through it. I think I just kinda gave it up to the Lord. There was literally nothing I could do about any of it. I was literally helpless (my worst feeling ever!) So I gave it up to God. We continued to try but weren't heart broken when we didn't see two pink lines.
In November, we could start to see my body trying to make things work. I got a very faint pregnancy line. Unfortunately come December, it didn't last. We miscarried at 5 weeks. I was so upset. I wanted a sign, I wanted this, I wanted that, but as much as I thought these things, the Spirit told me that's what this was. Miscarriages are horrible-yes. But at least it was a sign that I could do it on my own.
And that was something to be thankful for!
In January, my mom started to get some bad news from the doctor. So some of my sweet family decided to take my mom on a wonderful trip before treatments started. After coming back, I thought what the heck, let's take another test. Thank you dollar store for inexpensive tests!!
And there they were. Two bright pink lines. Taylor rushed out to get some more expensive tests the next day to make sure. Yep they were still there! I even waited a few days and the line was darker!
I have been really fortunate that I haven't had morning sickness (No one could be that lucky! Especially me!) but it has made it slightly more difficult in making sure our Little Nugget was still there. Talk about test of faith!!
We could not be more elated that we have made it past our first trimester, and for the upcoming October!!
FOR THOSE STILL STRUGGLING:
It's ok to mourn this loss. You have to come to terms with this information on your own. Just don't stray too far from what you know is true. It isn't talked about enough. There are more women out there struggling with it than you realize. Make a friend who understands what you are going through. Keep going. You can do anything for 24 hours. Even if it's just one day at a time. Find something to put your energy into that will be uplifting. Progress in your life in ways that you can control. You have much to be happy about. Count the rest of your blessings and know that even though you don't understand it...He still loves you.
FOR THOSE WITH FRIENDS STRUGGLING:
It's ok to admit that you don't know what to say. It's not ok to brush it under the rug.
"Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in..." -Mosiah 18:9
Understand that this trial is hand chosen by Heavenly Father and that is a lot to deal with let alone accept. It will take time. If you are the one with children and your friend just got this news, let them set the course of how they want to proceed. For me, any children that I had been around were still fine for me. It was the talks in church. One in particular I can think of was a family leaving and this particular sister started out talking about her children-ok that's fine. But when you hit the level of "my family is so wonderful and all my mama love is oozing from me.."-ya I'm going to leave early. You should never feel bad that you have a wonderful little miracle, but there are limits. If you are worried, then ask.
Now I understand that not all this advice will give you all the answers, but hopefully it will help give you more insight.
I'm so grateful for our support system. Some were willing to be taught, and others were supportive. But either way, they tried and they cared. They went through it with us, how could anyone as for more?
